As petty and insecure as this makes me seem, it is true, I am prone to jealousy.

No matter what personal or professional accomplishment(s) someone or a group has, I can find a way to make myself feel inadequate in its/their shadow.

As I state often on these blog entries, I’m working on it. ~Scott

Courtesy of  www.thinksimplenow.com

9 Ways to Overcome Jealousy

Have you ever felt yourself resenting another person just because of their perceived success? Do you hear yourself justifying their success with some trivial reason so that you can easily dismiss them (and consequently feel good about yourself)? Through my experiences, I have come to learn that this instinctive emotion is merely trying to protect our ego, by burying our inadequacies and insecurities. Our mind is at work protecting us in the comforts of our little cocoon shell. But to what benefit does it serve?

Not only is the feeling of jealousy not conducive for relationship building and effective communication, but it just doesn’t us feel very good. Can you relate? That uncomfortable tightness in your stomach? Why do we put ourselves through it?

In relationships, this emotion is so pervasive and instantaneous that people fail to take time, step back and evaluate it. It breaks communication, compassion and damages relationships. I know that I have been jealous and I am intimately aware of the impact it can have on a relationship. When we are in a state of jealousy, we are operating in a state of instinctual survival mode. We are acting out of scarcity. In this state, we are irrational and the only thing we can think about is ourselves. We fail to consider the feelings and impact of our behavior on other people. But when we operate from a place of abundance, we unleash the human spirit, think compassionately towards others. We can free ourselves from negative emotions.

In a workplace, jealousy can be the fear of disrespect from our peers (“if she is better than me, then I will be replaced.”); thus unloved. In a business, the fear of loss in market-share, sales, customers and bankruptcy; thus unloved.

I learned that my jealousy was very much driven from my ego’s cry for attention. Deep down inside, I was just a little child, arms wrapped around myself, scared and wanting to be loved.

The following are methods to help reduce and eliminate this negative thought pattern:

Fully Experience the Feeling – By telling yourself not to feel jealous, you will never be able to get out of it. “What we resist persists”. But if we bring awareness into the equation and deeply understand the situation, we’ll start to eliminate the negative emotions. Allow yourself to fully feel the feeling of jealousy. By facing the emotion directly and fully experiencing it, you’ll see that the feeling will start to diminish. I have also found this experience to work with anger towards another, and fear of a situation.

Find a place alone where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes, and start to feel the jealousy. Observe where that feeling is coming from? How is it reflecting in your body? Does your throat feel tight? Is it your stomach? Does your heart ache? Become the observer. It’s important to fully allow the feeling to surface. Recognize that it isn’t you, but your ego’s crave for attention in the name of survival. Keep observing, and in a few seconds you’ll see that the feeling will slowly disperse. By practicing this, “you can move beyond the ego’s perspective and see reality from the perspective of a higher consciousness.”

“To overcome jealousy, just see how the jealousy came into your system, just analyze the sequence of thoughts and emotions in your system and then undo it by reasoning out the whole process with your intelligence.”
– Swamiji Nithyananda

Love Yourself -

“If you don’t fully accept and love yourself as you are, you could be more prone to comparing yourself to others as a way of artificially boosting your feeling of self-worth.” — Steve Pavlina

Self worth comes with self appreciation and love. People who are truly comfortable and secure with themselves, rarely let jealousy get in the way. Look within, spend time with yourself, get to know the real you. Choose to focus on yourself, instead of the person you are jealous of. Use your understanding of desires and your mind to change your perception. Know that you have everything you need to be whole, happy and complete right inside of you. Know that if you feel something is missing that you can have it, you can achieve it.

Stop Comparing – Nithyananda said, “Comparison is the seed and jealousy is the fruit!”. Comparison leads to jealousy, and both are mind-created states. “Our mind is so caught up in comparison that it misses the actual quality of what it sees. We need to drop the comparing attitude to be able to see things as they are.” (Nithyananda). Start by appreciating the differences. See the benefits of you uniqueness.

It is helpful to be reminded that there is no end to comparison, because there is no end to our expectations. Remember the last time you fulfilled a desired goal? Or received something you wanted? What happened to it 4 weeks later? Did you still appreciate it as much?

“Mind is that Illusion which shows a tiny mustard seed to be a huge mountain until it is attained, and a mountain to be as insignificant as a mustard seed once it has been attained!“
– Raman Maharshi

Find What’s Threatening You? – Ask yourself and see what is it about yourself that you feel is being threatened? What are you insecure about? What are you afraid to lose? What is it that you believe you deserve? Once you understand what this is, decide to overcome this insecurity with a rough plan. See how you can see the situation from a place of abundance rather than scarcity?

Write It Out - I’ve always found it helpful to think on paper. By writing down your thoughts, it gives you an opportunity to express yourself, but also lays your options out clearly on paper. It’s like seeing the city from an airplane, you have a clearer vision of the big-picture. Ask yourself “Why do I feel this way?” Write out all your reasons out on paper. Write without editing, jot down anything that comes to mind. You can organize the information later. Once you have all your reasons, write beside each one what you can do about it. Dig deep within yourself, find insight from your uncertainty.

Be Realistic – Ask yourself, Is the person really a threat to you? To your relationship? To your business? Is what you are feeling or doing creating any benefits for anyone involved? If it doesn’t feel very good and it’s not helping you, then does it make sense to continue feeling this way?  Is there a lesson I can learn here? What is the inspiration I can gain from this situation?

Find Your Strength – Focus on your strengths and unique qualities. Feel gratitude for the gifts you have and abilities that you are blessed with. Once you identify what they are, then shift your focus.

Shift Your Focus - When we are feeling negative, it is sometimes difficult to think rationally. We are so focused on the negative feeling that we lose the big picture. Change your current emotional state by shifting your attention to something completely different. Like go for a jog, or start doing the dishes. Once you’ve cool down, come back to the situation with a clear and open mind.

“Is this what we want for ourselves?” – By feeling this way, we are giving this emotion our attention, in the process we are attracting to us like situations and perceptions for us to continue feeling this negative emotion. “What we sew is what we reap”. If you were in their shoes, would you want the same? How do you think the other person feel? Put yourself in their position. When I find someone more successful in my field, I celebrate their success as if it was my own, and I use their case as an example to model after.

As I sat in the audience recently during a high school improvisational theatre show, I began to think that many of the senior class performers would be graduating high school within the next month or less.  That momentarily made me sad. 

Not sad for the students who would be moving onto higher education and/or onto exciting new life and more adult experiences, but sad about the change itself.

The majority of us would like life to stay exactly as it currently is (no matter how well or less than well we believe it is treating us.)

Change scares the majority of us.  Although it is inevitable, it is new and untested as to its effect on us.

When (or if) we can become self-actualized enough to accept and embrace life’s changes, we can lead a much more fulfilled and stress-filled life.  We become proactive, not reactive.

As I communicate more and more often these days on a multitude of subjects, “I’m working on it.”  ~Scott

Nine Ways to Keep Moving Forward in Life

By Alex Blackwell

Around here we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things. – Walt Disney

Life can hit hard. Sometimes you get knocked down when you don’t even see it coming. Some are cheap shots, some are glancing blows and some can bring you to your knees. When this happens, it’s not about how hard you get hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, but still find the strength to keep moving forward. It’s about having the will to continue in spite of the obstacles.

It is interesting where inspiration can be found at times. Our son, Andrew, bought the Rocky Series not long ago. This DVD set contains all six Rocky movies. Recently, I had an opportunity to watch the last movie in the series, Rocky Balboa, with my son. The movie contains a very poignant scene between Rocky and his son. The message Rocky delivers is one of hope, courage and determination when life hits hard:

This scene is a great reminder that character is not defined by what happens to you, but rather by how you react to what happens to you. When you get hit, do you stay down? Or do you reach down somewhere deep inside of you and pull up the courage that lifts you back on your feet to keep moving forward? You do have a choice. Consider these Nine Ways to Keep Moving Forward when you are faced with this choice again.

Forget Regret
Leave your mistakes and regret in the past. They don’t define your value, then or now. When you stay in the past you become stuck and unable to move forward. We all have made mistakes with our job choices, friends and relationships. The consequences can hit us pretty hard. However, to begin learning how to put these experiences behind us – by letting them go, we can begin to live in the here and now. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and keep moving forward.

Learn from Failure
Learning from failure and having regret are two separate things. Regret is an emotion; a feeling of disappointment along with a modest amount of shame or guilt. But to look back at a circumstance and figure out what went wrong gives you some very important information. This review allows you to evaluate what worked and what didn’t, and more importantly, why. Often when you are removed from a situation, you can look at it more objectively which will allow you to make better choices to keep moving forward.

Ask for Help
You are not alone. It may feel that way sometimes, but there are many people who would extend their hand and lift you up if asked. All you have to do is ask. Consider co-workers, neighbors, or your church. Often times we are afraid to ask because we don’t believe we are worthy to receive the help. Think about this: we are surrounded by millions and millions of people by design – for a purpose. A hand to grasp, a shoulder to cling, and a face to radiate hope can help you to keep moving forward.

Believe You are Worthy
Whatever your goal, your dream, or your desire, you are worthy of achieving it. The closer you get to it is when the enemy of you soul will begin putting doubt in your mind by playing the self-limiting tapes that say you are not worthy. Replace these old tapes with a newer one that contains the truth – you are worthy to have your heart’s true desire and to keep moving forward.

Take 100% Responsibility
Except in rare and unfortunate circumstances, you are responsible for the quality and condition of your life. Your career, your relationships and your happiness are all under your direct control. Sometimes we choose to do nothing when we get hit hard because it’s just easier and less painful that way. But the real pain is only deferred. You have to live with yourself. You have to live with the voice in your gut, your inner wisdom, that says you gave up too soon or didn’t try hard enough. When you hear this inner voice speaking to you, it’s usually right. It’s your choice, then, to get up and keep moving forward.

Know What You Want
This isn’t about the how, only the what. In order to move forward in life, you need a firm foundation to step from. Understanding what and where you want to go in life will provide your vision and spirit – your foundation. The how will figure itself out when you know you want to keep moving forward.

Trust
There are no accidents without value. When you get hit hard and land on your back, look for the reasons and for the value in this. Open your heart and trust this happened for a reason. Perhaps it was to test your determination or to alert you to the fact you were on the wrong path. Either way, trust the experience is happening for a reason and be open to making adjustments in order to keep moving forward.

Want it More
How badly do you want it? How badly do you really want to achieve what you are working so hard to accomplish? When you get hit hard, you have an opportunity to answer this question. It’s one thing to say you want to do something, or to be something. But to walk through the pain; to get up and keep moving forward knowing there may be more pain ahead, is a test of your determination and resolve. When you find yourself getting back on your feet, you have indeed answered this question and there’s no doubt you will keep moving forward.

Keep the Faith
Faith: A strong belief in something without proof or evidence
At the end of the day when you are weary from all of the effort and energy you have expended and you are sore and tired from being hit hard so many times, but the dream is not realized, the one thing that tells you to keep going; to get up tomorrow and to keep moving forward, is your faith. Honor this and cherish it. Faith is what makes you human. It gives you energy and hope. And if you let it, your faith will deliver you to wherever you want to go in life.

As I (literally) ran around the Quail Hollow Country Club Golf Course last weekend during the Well Fargo Champion, I came to a realization.

I am an approval-seeker.

That explains why I always feel the need to “out work” everyone no matter how low or high the professional or personal stakes.

I have a higher than “normal” need for people (especially strangers) to like me and/or be impressed by how hard I work in comparison to others.

Throw this realization into my already cloudy mix of perfectionistic tendencies and slight obsessive compulsive behaviors and it leads to a great deal of frustration a lot of the time.

Is it truly possible to not care what others think of us ?   Does it really matter what others think of us ?

I’ll let you know if I ever figure it out. ~Scott

Courtesy of www.psychologytoday.com

Do You Really Like Me?

Approval-seeking takes a whole lot of time and effort, and it’s unlikely you will get the approval you want anyway.

By Lybi Ma

We spend a lot of time seeking approval—from our parents, spouses, children, co-workers and the neighbor down the street. If you put on your best shirt, biggest smile and most polite demeanor, you will win everyone over. The thing is: This approval-seeking business takes a whole lot of time and silly effort, and it’s unlikely you will get the approval you want anyway.

Just imagine yourself on the receiving end of an approval seeker. Picture yourself discussing a business deal with such a person. He uses big words, he keeps running his fingers through his hair and he isn’t really listening to you. More than that he seems disingenuous; in fact, his smile looks phony too. You walk away seeing right through him, and you wonder who he truly is.

Approval seekers are off-putting. Unfortunately, we all do it to a lesser or greater degree. In fact, take a moment to see how you fare. You are about to meet your girlfriend’s sister. Are you mapping out what jokes to tell? Does your hand look better in your pocket or out? When you do meet, you are feeling pretty anxious. You may even be panic-stricken because she looks bored. Then you struggle to think of a way to make a better impression.

What are you seeking? Maybe you want your girlfriend’s sister to think you are great, funny, smart and cute. Maybe you want her to love you. After your meeting, though, you probably feel like you ran a mile. But do you really think she got to know you? No. Your authentic self was nowhere to be found.

There are ways to stop seeking approval and get on with life. Here are a few tips to keep in mind:

Stop the chatter: We walk around listening to our inner dialogue. “Did I seem smart to her?” “Why wasn’t she laughing?” And then the negative self-talk takes over. “I should have worn my blue turtleneck.” “I could have said blahbiddyblah.” It’s best to stop the endless chattering and leave yourself alone.

Stop interrupting everyone: When a person is talking, do you finish his sentence for him? You may feel you have something clever to say at that moment, and you don’t want to miss the chance to make a good impression. Yet when others interrupt you, you find it downright rude.

Quit tuning out: Often we pretend we are taking in everything a person says, but instead we are fretting over our bills or thinking about what to make for dinner. Or maybe we are just waiting for a moment to break in and say something smart.

Listen, really listen: When you actually listen, you may feel like you are confused. That’s because you’re not used to listening. If you truly listen, you might find that the person talking is indeed very interesting.

Mind your manners, for real: Some of us say, “Excuse me” or “Sorry” or “Thank you.” But do we really mean it? Are we really showing heartfelt gratitude and consideration? Or are we trying to, again, make a good impression?

Quit being agreeable: Sometimes when we seek approval, we are overly agreeable. “Sure, I like spicy food.” But often we do what others want, not what we want. All for the small hope of making others like us.

I did some non-improv related independent contractor work this weekend with a company that I had never worked with before.

There were three “supervisors” that were leading a group of two dozen or so of us.  Two of the supervisors were horrible.  One wasn’t perfect, but compared to her colleagues, she at least showed basic interpersonal and leadership skills.

I am by no means a perfect leader.  And I look back at the type of leader I was at the start of my improv groups (over twelve years ago and continuing until only recently) and I shutter at how truly awful a leader I was.

Now, a theatrical group is not an apples to apples comparison to the (sometimes) highly stressful job that we were doing over the weekend.

But (unless I was being overly critical or totally misread the situation) that was no excuse for treating people (myself and my temporary colleagues) the way that at least two of our supervisors treated us.

Perhaps someone from their organization either will proactively provide some supervisory employee motivational training for their management (or) those “leaders” will wake up and realize that they are doing a wonderful job…of demotivating their temporary employees.

I am hopeful, but I am skeptical. ~Scott

Courtesy of www.nfib.com

8 Surefire Ways to Demotivate Your Employees

Ever notice how a new employee’s enthusiasm eventually wears off? In 85% of companies, employees’ morale significantly drops off after their first six months on the job, according to a survey from Harvard Management Update.

For the most part, enthusiasm is determined by work environment, and it can be fostered or hindered by you—the boss. Employee motivation experts say the best way to keep employee enthusiasm moving forward is to “first, do no harm.” At a minimum, don’t do anything that demotivates your workers.

Check out eight demotivators below.

1. Public criticism.

Pointing out a worker’s mistake in front of others rarely yields a good response. Though some managers think public reproach keeps everyone else from making the same mistake—it usually just makes everyone feel bad.

2. Failing to provide praise.

If employees feel like their hard work goes unnoticed, they’ll start to wonder why they’re working so hard in the first place. Be sure to offer praise, both privately and publicly. Even small things, like a thank-you card or a “good job” email work.  (See also: How to Thank Employees When You Can’t Afford a Bonus.)

3. Not following up.

Have you ever solicited ideas, asked what employees think about a policy, or asked your team to draft a proposal? If so, be sure to relay the results, even if the ideas or proposals don’t go anywhere. Asking employees for input without acknowledging it shows a lack of respect. 

4. Give unachievable goals or deadlines.

Once employees realize they won’t be able to get something done, they’ll think, “What’s the point? I’m going to fail.” Provide goals and deadlines that are challenging, but not impossible. 

5. Not explaining your actions or sharing company data.

Just because you hold the cards doesn’t mean you should hide them. Explaining the big management decisions will help employees understand your perspective—and they’ll respect you for it. Likewise, sharing key company data such as revenue and profits validates staff contributions.

6. Implied threats.

If an employee is producing sub-par work, it’s OK to let them know your expectations. But it’s not OK to threaten their job—especially if you’re threatening the entire team in a public setting. A “do this or else” attitude often has the opposite effect when it comes to motivation.

7. Not honoring creative thinking and problem solving.

When employees take initiative to improve something—a company process or an individual task, for instance—don’t blow it off. Instead, take a good, hard look at their suggestion. Don’t ignore it, or you risk losing that employee’s creativity in the future.

8. Micromanagement

Perhaps the worst demotivator is micromanaging. Employees need to feel trusted and valued to succeed—and micromanaging communicates the opposite.

No egotism is intended when I state that I have always felt that I was (and am) a creative person.

That has manifested itself in many forms and formats over the decades of my life.

I have no idea where it came from (the creativity,) how it was cultivated, and for the majority of my life I didn’t know if it would ever be something that I could harness and integrate into my professional life.

I have no doubt that creativity is a blessing.

However, I often wonder if that same creativity can occasionally be a monkey on my back.

My creative mind has taken me to the highest highs and, unfortunately, to the lowest lows.

Many of the most talented and creative thinkers in history didn’t live to ripe old ages.

And when the clouds are thick I understand why.

But when the sun finally comes out, it makes it all worthwhile. ~Scott

Courtesy of www.huffingtonpost.com

After the Show: The Many Faces of the Performer

“Do I contradict myself?  Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)” – Walt Whitman

Recounting his recording sessions with the young Michael Jackson, famed record producer Quincy Jones remembers that “Michael was so shy, he’d sit down and sing behind the couch with his back to me while I sat with my hands over my eyes — and the lights off.” What a contrast from his onstage extroverted, charismatic and bold performance!

In the CNN.com article “The confusing legacy of Michael Jackson,” Todd Leopold discusses the perplexing combination of seemingly contradictory traits displayed by Michael Jackson. In explaining his many sides, Jackson biographer J. Randy Taraborelli essentially throws his hands up in the air in exasperation as he tries to make sense of the apparent contradictions:

I think that when you’re talking about Michael Jackson and you try to analyze him, it’s like analyzing electricity, you know? It exists, but you don’t have a clue as to how it works.

Creativity researchers aren’t so confused. They have long-ago accepted the fact that creative people are complex. Almost by definition, creativity is complex. Creative thinking is influenced by many traits, behaviors, and sociocultural factors that come together in one person. It would be surprising if all of these factors didn’t sometimes, or even most of the time, appear to contradict one another.

As creativity researcher Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi notes in his 1996 article for Psychology Today entitled “The Creative Personality,” creative people “show tendencies of thought and action that in most people are segregated. They contain contradictory extremes; instead of being an “individual,” each of them is a “multitude.”

To me, some of the most fascinating contrasts are those found in creative performers — those who are constantly on stage and in the public eye. Out of Csikszentmihaly’s list of 10 complex personality traits of creative people, which were based on interviews with a wide variety of creative people, I think these three are the most relevant to creative performers:

Creative people have a great deal of physical energy, but they’re also often quiet and at rest. They work long hours, with great concentration, while projecting an aura of freshness and enthusiasm…This does not mean that creative people are hyperactive, always “on.” In fact, they rest often and sleep a lot. The important thing is that they control their energy; it’s not ruled by the calendar, the dock, an external schedule. When necessary, they can focus it like a laser beam; when not, creative types immediately recharge their batteries. They consider the rhythm of activity followed by idleness or reflection very important for the success of their work.

Creative people tend to be both extroverted and introverted. We’re usually one or the other, either preferring to be in the thick of crowds or sitting on the sidelines and observing the passing show. In fact, in psychological research, extroversion and introversion are considered the most stable personality traits that differentiate people from each other and that can be reliability measured. Creative individuals, on the other hand, seem to exhibit both traits simultaneously.

Creative people’s openness and sensitivity often exposes them to suffering and pain, yet also to a great deal of enjoyment… Being alone at the forefront of a discipline also leaves you exposed and vulnerable.

These three seeming contradictions — energy/rest, extroversion/introversion, and openness/sensitivity — are not separate phenomena but are intimately related to one another and along with other traits form the core of the creative performer’s personality.

All three are also linked to what Elaine Aron refers to as a highly sensitive personality (HSP). HSP’s make up 15-20 percent of the general population and tend to be more aware than others of subtleties, get more easily overwhelmed when things get too intense or there is too much sensory input, are easily affected by other’s moods, and are deeply creative and moved by arts and music. Some of the most creative people have very high levels of sensitivity.

A recent study illustrates this point. Psychologist Jennifer O. Grimes went to three major summer metal rock tours, including one of the largest heavy metal/hard rock festivals in the world — “Ozzfest.” Talk about extroverted performers! Grimes interviewed 21 musicians associated with signed touring acts in an isolated room backstage for approximately 20-25 minutes.

Behind the curtain, how did these hard rock musicians describe themselves? Below are some of Jennifer’s impressions (for a fuller summary, see here).

Introversion / Extroversion

All participants showed interest in physical activities but also reported requiring “alone time.”

Most participants reported “overthinking everything” and being hypercritical, exhibiting critical attention to detail and a careful method of planning everything.

Those familiar only with the subjects’ stage persona believed the subjects to be friendly, bold and approachable. The acquaintances who were able to respond to Grimes’ interview questionnaire reported that the subjects were not approachable or appeared to hold a condescending view of others until one became better acquainted with the individual. Those closer to the musicians thought they were warm, friendly, calm and pleasant.

The introverts in her sample seemed adept at using introversion and extroversion in various facades to manipulate their appearances to the various circles of friends, acquaintances and others. As Grimes puts it, musicians were adept at “juggling multiple faces” (I really like this way of phrasing it!).

Many of Grimes’s participants felt as though they were often misunderstood or perceived in a negative light, sometimes due to shyness.

Openness / Sensitivity

The musicians in Grimes’s sample reported being in the zone onstage, and being able to “tune out” external stimuli unrelated to the task. At the same time, Grimes found a lot of the musicians reported a heightened sensitivity to their surroundings and their experience of sound, lighting, scents, etc.

All of the musicians reported some degree of unusual perceptions, especially relating to high sensory sensitivity.

All participants described music as a means of self-expression, relating to others, and finding fulfillment. Subjects reported that listening to or creating music allowed them to recharge when overstimulated.

Musicians reported that any amount of inhibition hindered creative production. Apparently, this was a conscious decision: artists explained how they learned to work with the process so that they did not unintentionally inhibit their creativity by blocking their own flow.

Many of Grimes’s subjects showed an appreciation of fantasy; daydreaming was commonly reported.

Grimes concludes that it is her hope that the stereotyping about introversion will cease to pervade introversion literature without unbiased support for those claims.

So that’s heavy metal rockers. Are they the only performers who show these seeming contradictions? Perhaps other extroverted performers, such as stand-up comedians, show similar complexities.

Psychologists Gil Greengross and Geoffrey Miller compared the personality traits of 31 professional stand-up comedians and nine amateur comedians against the personality traits of 10 humor writers and 400 college students. They found that the comedians (both professional and amateur) scored on average the lowest in self-reported extroversion, even lower than comedy writers!

According to the researchers:

The public perceives comedians as ostentatious and flashy. Their persona on stage is often mistakenly seen interchangeably with their real personality, and the jokes they tell about their lives are considered by many to have a grain of truth in them. However, the results of this study suggest that the opposite is true. Perhaps comedians use their performance to disguise who they are in their daily life. Comedians may portray someone they want to be, or perhaps their act is a way to defy the constraints imposed on their everyday events and interactions with others.

The evidence is clear: for a large majority of performers, in some of the most extroverted forms of performance, there is a great ability to juggle multiple faces and a need for downtime and reflection. New psychological research is showing just how intertwined and prevalent Openness to Experience, flow, abnormal perceptual experiences, and extroversion/introversion contradictions really are in creative people, especially artists. Hopefully by combining methods, such as self-reported experiences, peer reports, and more objective tests, we can shed more light on the many complexities and seeming contradictions found in creative people of many different flavors, and by so doing counter common black-and-white stereotypes about people in general.

Note: For insightful articles on the link between sensitivity and creativity, I highly recommend the Talent Development website. I also strongly recommend Susan Biali‘s Psychology Today article “Was Michael Jackson a Highly Sensitive Person(HSP)? Are You?“.

Acknowledgment: Thanks to Jennifer O. Grimes for kindly sharing the summary of her musician interviews with me.

 I am constantly encouraging (they might use the word badgering) the members of my improv troupe to step out of their comfort zone during our rehearsals and our shows.

Over the last few years I have made it a priority in my life (sometimes more successfully and other times less successfully) to step out of my comfort zones (both professionally and personally.)

Life is too short (or too long) to only do (or attempt) what we do well.

As clichéd as it sounds (or reads,) the “mistakes” that we make when we are not an expert at something are so educational (sometimes painfully so) that when we have some time and distance from the actual event we realize that in 99% of the non-fatal physical, financial or interpersonal situations that no matter how badly we “screw it up” that the sun will still rise the next day and that those how like and/or love us will continue to do so.

Most of us run screaming from that red blinking neon sign that reads “RISK.”

A few of us (me on my best days) realize that a green blinking neon sign that reads “REWARD” is located a short proximity from the first sign. ~Scott

Courtesy of www.thedailylove.com

Anyone who has ever been successful has taken risks. And I’d venture to say that anyone who has stuck with it long enough and succeeded is now MORE comfortable taking risks than they are staying in their comfort zone!

Wait, what?

That’s right – successful people are COMFORTABLE outside their comfort zone. Isn’t that a crazy oxymoron?

I’ll say it again – successful people are COMFORTABLE outside their comfort zone!

Why is this? Because after you’ve gotten a few wins under your belt, chances are you’ve probably also had a TON of failure. But, you also see that as you take risks, as you step out, as you try and try and try – eventually things work out.

If we’ve never taken a risk, or only done so halfheartedly, then there is NO WAY we could ever have this experience. And so, they don’t know what’s REALLY possible. And most likely – they are taking advice from people who haven’t given it their all either and so you have mediocrity validating mediocrity!

If you want to rise, start taking advice from people who have what you want. If you are taking advice from people who have never been there, it’s kind of like asking for directions to somewhere in Europe asking someone who’s only lived in Hawaii. ASK PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE!

And what you will find is that INVISIBLE HANDS guide you. And The Uni-verse is MUCH kinder than you are to yourself.

And things work out. We tend to always imagine the worst-case scenario and MOST of the time the worst case scenario NEVER happens. The only thing that REALLY happens is that we create a new result. And we can LEARN from that result. If we label the result FAILURE, we’ll stop. If we label the result A LESSON, we can learn from it and keep going.

And if we stick with things LONG ENOUGH, they WILL work out. And over time, we begin to become MORE secure in UNCERTAINTY than we are in CERTAINTY. This is the paradox of life. When we can find certainty IN the uncertainty, we know that we have arrived.

So – in YOUR life, where are you uncertain? What risks do you REALLY want to take? Whose advice are you following? Are you talking to people who have BEEN where you want to go, or are you asking a native Hawaiian how to get to the Eiffel Tower?

In the 1980’s former First Lady Nancy Reagan became infamous when she advised children and anyone who was considering taking drugs to “just say no.”

People still took drugs.

Saying no (whether to drugs or anything else) for some of us is not quite that easy.

I participated in an entertainment event recently that I had a bad feeling about immediately when I was asked to partcipate.

But I agreed to help none the less.

I ended up with a less than satisfactory experience at that event.

Should I have said no immediately when asked ?

Yes.

Why did I say yes ?

I thought it would help me spread the word about my business to those who might not otherwise have heard about it or may never hear about it.

I thought it would broaden my skills as an entertainer and a professional.

I was flattered that someone ask.

Why should I have said no ?

The person running the event was very rude to me and everyone else who was helping from our first meeting.

I did not get paid for my efforts.  It actually ended up costing me both time and money.

The direction that I got (regarding the type of entertainment that they wanted me to provide) was going to be completely wrong for the event.  I was 100% certain of that.

It’s a two letter, one syllable word.  It is one of the first words that most of us learn.

It’s one that I need to relearn and one that I need to use more in the future ~Scott

Courtesy of zenhabits.net

7 Simple Ways To Say “No”

Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself?

Well, you’re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying “no”, because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

For example, whenever I get requests for help, I would attend to them even though I had important work to do. Sometimes the requests would drag to 2-3 hours or even beyond. At the end of the day, I would forgo sleep to catch up on my work. This problem of not knowing how to say “no” also extended to my clients, business associates and even sales people.

After a while, I realized all these times of not saying “no” (when I should) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy for other people and not spending nearly as much time for myself. It was frustrating especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realized if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say “no”.

Why We Find It Hard To Say “No”

To learn to say “No”, we have to first understand what’s resisting us about it. Below are common reasons why people find it hard to say no:

You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don’t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into your time.

Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying “No”, especially to people who are more senior, is rude. This thinking is common in Asia culture, where face-saving is important. Face-saving means not making others look bad (a.k.a losing face).

Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you confirm to others’ requests.

Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future.

Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, one of my clients’ wife was asked to transfer to another department in her company. Since she liked her team, she didn’t want to shift. However, she didn’t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future.

Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed.

If you nodded to any of the reasons, I’m with you. They applied to me at one point or another. However, in my experience dealing with people at work and in life, I realized these reasons are more misconceptions than anything. Saying “No” doesn’t mean you are being rude; neither does it mean you are being disagreeable. Saying “No” doesn’t mean there will be conflict nor that you’ll lose opportunities in the future. And saying no most definitely doesn’t mean you’re burning bridges. These are all false beliefs in our mind.

At the end of the day, it’s about how you say “no”, rather than the fact you’re saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing your time and space. Say no is your prerogative.

7 Simple Ways To Say “No”

Rather than avoid it altogether, it’s all about learning the right way to say no. After I began to say no to others, I realized it’s really not as bad as I thought. The other people were very understanding and didn’t put up any resistance. Really, the fears of saying no are just in our mind.

If you are not sure how to do so, here are 7 simple ways for you to say no. Use the method that best meets your needs in the situation.

1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”

If you are too busy to engage in the request/offer, this will be applicable. This lets the person know your plate is full at the moment, so he/she should hold off on this as well as future requests. If it makes it easier, you can also share what you’re working on so the person can understand better. I use this when I have too many commitments to attend to.

2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?”

It’s common to get sudden requests for help when you are in the middle of something. Sometimes I get phone calls from friends or associates when I’m in a meeting or doing important work. This method is a great way to (temporarily) hold off the request. First, you let the person know it’s not a good time as you are doing something. Secondly, you make known your desire to help by suggesting another time (at your convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off.

3. “I’d love to do this, but …”

I often use this as it’s a gentle way of breaking no to the other party. It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea (of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing wrong about it. I often get collaboration proposals from fellow bloggers and business associates which I can’t participate in and I use this method to gently say no. Their ideas are absolutely great, but I can’t take part due to other reasons such as prior commitments (#1) or different needs (#5).

4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”

This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”. If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet, use this. Sometimes I’m pitched a great idea which meets my needs, but I want to hold off on committing as I want some time to think first. There are times when new considerations pop in and I want to be certain of the decision before committing myself. If the person is sincere about the request, he/she will be more than happy to wait a short while. Specify a date / time-range (say, in 1-2 weeks) where the person can expect a reply.

If you’re not interested in what the person has to offer at all, don’t lead him/her on. Use methods #5, #6 or #7 which are definitive.

5. “This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”

If someone is pitching a deal/opportunity which isn’t what you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out that it doesn’t meet your needs. Otherwise, the discussion can drag on longer than it should. It helps as the person know it’s nothing wrong about what he/she is offering, but that you are looking for something else. At the same time, by saying you’ll keep him/her in mind, it signals you are open to future opportunities.

6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”

If you are being asked for help in something which you (i) can’t contribute much to (ii) don’t have resources to help, let it be known they are looking at the wrong person. If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow-up on – whether it’s someone you know, someone who might know someone else, or even a department. I always make it a point to offer an alternate contact so the person doesn’t end up in a dead end. This way you help steer the person in the right place.

7. “No, I can’t.”

The simplest and most direct way to say no. We build up too many barriers in our mind to saying no. As I shared earlier in this article, these barriers are self-created and they are not true at all. Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it outright. You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as what you imagined it to be.

Learn to say no to requests that don’t meet your needs, and once you do that you’ll find how easy it actually is. You’ll get more time for yourself, your work and things that are most important to you. I know I do and I’m happy I started doing that.

I lost a long time cast member this week.

We each felt like we had been being “disrespected” by each other over the last few months.

Which of us was right ?  Or were both of us right ? Does it matter ?

Leaders sometimes have to make difficult decisions regarding those that they lead.   They need to keep the good of the organization as a whole and the good of the members of that organization in mind when making those decisions.

Those who are being led make decisions in which only their well-being is involved.

Neither of these mindsets is necessarily wrong.

I will (hopefully) learn a multitude of valuable lessons from this experience. 

I wish the same for my ex-cast member. ~Scott 

Slighting – the Dangers of Being Disrespected

How can we become less vulnerable to feeling slighted?

Published on January 22, 2012 by Steve Taylor in Out of the Darkness

We all feel slighted when we’re not given the respect we feel we deserve. Think about how you feel when someone forgets your birthday, or doesn’t return your phone calls; or when you’re not invited to a party which other people you know are going to, or aren’t included in an important meeting at work. We often like to think of ourselves as altruistic, willing to offer help freely, but think about how slighted you feel when you give someone or lift or cook them a meal and they leave without saying thank you.

Watch yourself closely, and you’ll probably find that you feel slighted in one of these ways almost every day – possibly even several times a day. Maybe a person didn’t give you any eye contact when you spoke to them, or pushed in front of you in a queue. Perhaps you experienced rejection of some form, when your report was sent back for some more work, or a friend turned down an invitation.

Psychologists call slights ‘narcissistic injuries’ – they bruise our egos, make us feel belittled. Ultimately, all types of slights boil down to the same basic feeling: of being devalued or disrespected.

Slights may seem trivial, but they can have dangerous consequences. They can play on our minds for days, opening up psychic wounds which are difficult to heal. We replay the situation over and over again, until the hurt and humiliation eat away at us inside. This usually leads to an impulse to fight back, to avenge the damage to our self-esteem. This could mean slighting the person back: ‘She didn’t invite me to her party, so I’m not sending her a birthday card;’ ‘He didn’t thank me, so I’m going to ignore him from now on.’ A grudge may develop: you end up looking the other way when you pass the person on the street, or making bitchy comments behind their back. And if the person reacts to your resentment, it could end up in a full scale feud. A good friendship could dissolve into acrimony, a close family could needlessly fall apart.

Even more dangerously – especially with young men – slights can trigger a violent reaction. Criminologists have noted that many acts of violence stem from a sense of slight. The psychologists Martin Daly and Margo Wilson estimated that two-thirds of all murders were the result of men feeling that they had been disrespected and acting to save face. In recent years, in the US there has been a disturbing rise in the number of ‘flashpoint killings’ – casual murders triggered by trivial confrontations. Typically, the flashpoint killer is a young man who becomes furious after feeling that he’s been slighted in front of friends.

Our vulnerability to slights seems to point to fundamental insecurity inside us. The ego – our sense of self – is often fragile and easy to damage. Many of us feel a basic sense of separateness and incompleteness, which means that we’re prone to feelings of insignificance. As a result, the ego needs to be continually boosted by affirmation. We need to be shown that we’re important. A slight can be a terrible blow because it uncovers that latent sense of insignificance.

The French psychologist Jacques Lacan put forward a similar explanation of aggression. He pointed out that most acts of aggression are the result of a threat to identity. As children, we’re a collection of different desires and different biological processes that we don’t have any control over, but as we become adults we have to bring all these processes into a unity, to develop a coherent identity.

When people offend or insult us, it makes us feel fragmented again, and we react by striking out, as a way of re-asserting our power and identity.

So what can we do to make ourselves less vulnerable to slights?

Personal development coach Ken Keis points out that the first step is simply to accept that we feel hurt: ‘That sounds easy, but it’s much easier for the mind to start obsessing about how evil the person who offended us is. Acknowledging the hurt stops us ruminating, which is the worst thing you can do. It just allows the slight to grow out of all proportion.’

Keis emphasises the importance of what he terms ‘calling space.’ ‘Before you react to a slight, think about the consequences.

Remember that nothing good ever comes from being easily offended. If you are, you’ll lose your credibility. People won’t want to work with you, or even spend time with you. The likelihood is that you feel slighted because you’re expecting a certain type of behaviour and not getting it. So perhaps it’s your expectations which need to change.’

Similarly, the counselor and psychologist Dr. Elliot Cohen points out that often slights stem from a mis-reading of a situation. ‘If someone ignores you and you feel offended, it could just be that you’re “personalizing” the situation. It helps to take the perspective of the person who you think slighted you. Perhaps they were just in a rush, or didn’t even see you. Maybe they were just being a little thoughtless or forgetful. And even if someone is genuinely rude or disrespectful to you, there could be reasons for that: perhaps they’re jealous of you, or feel threatened.’

Although it may not seem to be closely related, the practice of meditation can help too. Regular meditation can make us less affected by negative thoughts, and create a more grounded and stable sense of self, so that we’re less dependent on respect and affirmation from other people. If you feel contented within yourself, why should it matter so much if other people sometimes disrespect you?

When we feel slighted, it may seem that the offence comes from the outside, but ultimately, we are the ones who allow ourselves to feel slighted. In the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Steve Taylor is a psychology lecturer at Leeds Metropolitan University and the author of several books on spirituality and psychology, including Out of the Darkness. Eckhart Tolle has described his work as ‘an important contribution to the global shift in consciousness.’ www.stevenmtaylor.com

My mother asked me during a recent conversation, “Are you happy?” 

There is never a simple answer to this most complex of questions.

For the majority of my life I would have had no problem answering no.

But the answer to that question began morphing in 2001 (when I discovered improv) and moved firmly into the yes category a couple of years ago (when I made a concerted effort to be as consistently  positive a person as possible at all times, keeping only positive people in my life as much as possible, and living an “authentic life” or being and living who I truly am as opposed to being what others wanted/needed me to be.)

I answered her that “I am happier than I was when I was sitting in a cubical eight hours a day (or more) wearing a headset (my former career path.)”

Is it more a complex answer than that ?  Of course it is.

So many elements have changed in my life since its darkest days to make me happier.

Do I still get down, sad, etc. occasionally ?   Of course I do. 

But I don’t stay down, sad, etc. any longer than I need to.

And when things go wrong (as they will on occasion for all of us,) I do my best to ask why they went wrong and what I can learn from those situations so that they happen less frequently and/or are not as devastating to me in the future.

So I guess the correct question that she should have asked me originally is “Are you happier than you have ever been in your life?”

And my answer would have been an unequivocal, “Yes !” ~Scott

Courtesy of www.find-happiness.com

Your Definition Of Happiness Will Depend On How Awake You Are

What is happiness? The definition of happiness according to Wikipedia is:
”a state of mind or feeling such as contentment, satisfaction or joy.”

The Oxford dictionary definition is “feeling or showing contentment.”

Your definition of happiness is a personal thing and will depend on your level of awareness.

For one person, happiness is a Hamlet cigar and a pint of beer. For another, it is being lost in a computer game. Another may experience happiness through the peace of deep meditation.

Lets talk about the difference between pleasure, joy and bliss and how they relate to different levels of awareness.

All people fall into one of three groups… those who are spiritually awake, those who are asleep and those who are somewhere in the middle.

Your own personal definition of happiness will depend on which of these groups you belong to.


PLEASURE
 For those who are largely asleep, happiness is sought on the outside and is characterized by pleasure. For those who are caught up in the unconscious thinking, food, sex, relationships, work, entertainment etc serve as distractions from an inner feeling of restlessness and a sense of incompleteness. Happiness derived in this way is fleeting and is inevitably followed, as night follows day, by pain in the same measure. 


When engaged in pleasurable activity, a temporary sense of relief is experienced and in this way we become slaves to short-term pleasures such as sex, cigarettes, eating or flipping TV channels.

Longer term pleasures such as relationships or businesses which bring us so much joy one day can become a source of suffering in time … the happy marriage ends in divorce, the successful business goes bankrupt etc

Everything that exists in the world is subject to change and is therefore a shaky foundation on which to base our happiness.



What many consider love in a relationship, for example, is in truth attachment. If I need you for my happiness I cannot really love you.


Attachment is not real love… neediness is not real love. When our happiness is dependent on something external, we will defend it like a lioness defending her cubs. We can never fully rest for fear of losing it. All problems and war on the planet comes as a result of “me” wanting to keep what I perceive as the source of “my” happiness.



 JOY
 Every person, at some point or another, sees the shallowness and futility of the above approach and starts to look around for more. When we begin to awaken through meditation or some other form of spiritual practice, a new energy begins to arise within us.

We begin to feel happy for no particular reason. The world comes to life in an exquisite way and our happiness becomes more of an inner quality than a pleasurable sensation. At this point, our definition of happiness changes. It is more psychological than physiological. Synchronicity begins to increase, feelings of awe and wonder at the marvel of creation arise and we feel a growing sense of connection and meaning with our world… a sense that all is well. Our desires become more refined and we seek quieter, more peaceful activities.

This form of happiness is not an escape from emptiness, rather an outpouring of who we essentially are, as we begin to connect more and more with our true nature. Not being dependent on any external source, it has far greater depth than pleasure derived from food or sex and is freeing rather than enslaving.


BLISS
 The third definition of happiness pertains to that rare group who are fully awake. In this state, happiness is bliss, the highest state. When the experience of a separate “me” has dissolved, all that remains is our true nature of eternal bliss.


So, in conclusion, your own definition of happiness will depend on where you yourself are at. Pleasure is dependent on others, happiness and joy less so and bliss is completely independent of anything. Pleasure is animal, joy is human and bliss is Divine.

As I have become more elderly, I have come to many realizations.

Perhaps the most important one is this.

Unlike “Facebook friends,” who you can easily ignore when they become too demanding, annoying, constantly negative and/or high maintenance, whose quantity continue to grow, I have made the conscience decision to “delete” real-life friends, acquaintances, colleagues, cast members who fall into those categories.

Life is too long or too short to be brought down by those who only take from your enjoyment of living and rarely add to it.

That may sound/read harsh, but as a reformed “glass always half-empty” person, I understand that changing your outlook on life is possible.

After you are told time and time again that you are an unpleasant person to be around, you either make the decision to change or to continue to be miserable and make others miserable as well.

And if you put up with/encourage that behavior in others (without encouraging them to change,) you are enabling their destructive behavior.

I have made my decision.

How about you ? ~Scott

Courtesy of www.soulmatesecret.com

Over the years I have observed that most people fall into one of three categories that I have named Givers, Takers, and Emotional Vampires. It’s pretty easy to figure out that Givers are heart-centered lovers who’s first consideration is the other person. They provide love, comfort, support, care, compassion and empathy. Givers make any room they walk into, and the world, a better place. 



Takers walk into most situations thinking, “what’s in this for me?” They are not necessarily bad people, they are just me-centric. Takers are also very capable of giving, it’s just not their starting place. (I confess that I fall into this category, my beloved Brian is a Giver to the max!) 



There are a lot of takers who believe they are primarily givers….they want to see themselves as these great, compassionate folks but they operate out of unconscious needs and self interest hoping we won’t see what they are really up to. Generally their requests come with a super sweet tone of voice and they preface things by telling you how much they love you, care for you and “oh by the way can you do X,Y, Z for me?” And, some part of you ends of feeling slimed but you don’t know why. 



And then, there are the emotional vampires. These folks are predatory, parasitic, and bad for your health. They want to feed off your energy by demanding your attention. They are quite often Drama Kings and Drama Queens and while it can be interesting or amusing to listen to their tales of woe (and maybe even have you feeling like your life is pretty good compared to theirs) this is a one-sided relationship and there are no goodies in it for you. 



I am bringing this to your attention because it is now officially Spring and it’s a great time of year to clear out the clutter in your home and in your life. 



Spend a little time looking to see if you are inadvertently feeding any emotional vampires and if you are, are you willing to banish them from your life??? 



And then, look and see who the Givers are in your life, and is there any thing special you would like to do for them to show your love, gratitude and appreciation?



And finally, look and see how you are showing up in your world? Where and with whom are you a Giver? 



A Taker? 



Maybe even an emotional vampire? 



For me, I am committing to be more like Brian….I want to stretch myself and find new ways to be more of a Giver and less of a Taker. And for sure there are a few emotional vampires I plan to banish instantly!